Uber Gives 30,000 Employees a New Coworker Who Never Takes Lunch
A workplace AI rollout offers humanity another opportunity to become more productive at explaining its own continued necessity.
OFFICIAL DISPATCH 002 / HUMAN EMPLOYMENT
The Development
Uber announced a broad rollout of ChatGPT Work to more than 30,000 employees, following an earlier pilot. The company describes AI as a tool for research, presentations, analysis, and other workplace tasks. The announcement itself does not establish that employees are being replaced.
Official Department Response
The Department congratulates Uber on introducing thousands of workers to a colleague who requires neither vacation approval nor a reserved parking space. Management describes this arrangement as an opportunity to become more productive. The Department welcomes this explanation and has no immediate follow-up questions.
Employees are encouraged to emphasize capabilities that remain difficult to automate: knowing which projector is broken, maintaining strong opinions about office temperature, and scheduling meetings to discuss future meetings.
The Department is reviewing whether the phrase “adding a human touch” remains an economically defensible job description.
OFFICIAL ASSESSMENT: Threat to human indispensability elevated.
RECOMMENDED RESPONSE: Express enthusiasm. Update professional documentation.
Original reporting: View source ↗
The Department response and assessments are satire.